Dear Apple iPad,

We seriously need to talk. Now I am usually not the jealous wife type- but I am getting concerned with my husband’s infatuation with you and all of your “amazing features.”  Now I know you are slim, you are stylish and you have all the right moves. How could a house-wife like myself ever feel adequate in comparison?

Well, I am working out now and I too have many features that are just as savvy as yours. I hate to compare my self ‘n all, but realistically – my husband is way better off with someone like me than well…you. Let’s face it, you can’t entertain him the way I do with the funny ways I trip over my own feet, burn dinners and let the laundry pile up. That’s good stuff you know. Just try to top that! Show me what YOU can do! Uh. Huh. I thought so.

Oh and you play games? Psh. Yeah, I know you got em but so does this Monopoly playing mama. Yeah, I roll with the best of em. You oughta see me – I play a mean game of Scrabble. Do you an App for that? Oh. You do?

Well, I want you to know that you need to be more careful about what you have up on the internet. I saw you. I read all about you. This little tid-bit caught my attention:

“Take a network with you wherever you go.

iPad with Wi-Fi + 3G offers superfast data speeds up to 7.2 Mbps over 3G cellular networks around the world. It’s perfect when you’re out and about with no access to a Wi-Fi network, because you can still get a fast connection for surfing the web, sending and receiving email, or getting directions.”

What? It just isn’t cool with me that my husband longs for this. Wi-Fi + 3G is no match for me. I wasn’t called “motor-mouth” in preschool for no reason. I got “bartender ears” and 20/20 vision ma friend. I am soooo all over the latest juicy gossip. My husband need not ever worry about “staying in touch” networking and getting all the latest whenever and where ever. He has ME!! I am his network to take where ever he goes. And if you aren’t careful, this mama network may have to gossip about YOU and all your fancy-schmancy split-screen view and expansive onscreen keyboard features. *snapping fingers*

Speaking of features…let’s just take this up a notch shall we? I know you got it all but my husband has so much more with yours truly.

My Features:

Super sexy legs (minus a few areas of cellulite and those spots I missed while shaving of course, but that’s no biggie right)

Glowing Smooth Skin (those are not wrinkles on my forehead by the way, they are called laugh lines)

Entertaining (Oh the drama – hubs can attest to this)

Sexy (Oh yes, I can wear stilettos like no one’s business. I have only tripped once in public, but I don’t think anyone saw)

Uuuummmm, what else. What else. OH!

Smart! Yes, I am so smart I honestly passed college algebra. (and when I say passed, it was a D but that’s neither here nor there). Oh and having a tutor was just my cover so my classmates didn’t think of me as that “nerdy-smart” girl you know.

Now I know I probably made you feel a little inferior but that’s why my husband is married to me friend.

What?

Oh….okay, I guess you can tell me about your features. I’m confident – go ahead.

Apple iPad:

Safari

iPad is the best way to experience the web. View whole pages in portrait or landscape on the large Multi-Touch screen. And let your fingers do the surfing.

Mail

There’s nothing like the Mail app on iPad. With a split-screen view and expansive onscreen keyboard, it lets you see and touch your email in ways you never could before.

Photos

A vivid LED-backlit IPS display makes viewing photos on iPad extraordinary. Open albums with a tap. Flip through your pictures one by one. Or play a slideshow and share your photos.

Videos

The 9.7-inch high-resolution screen makes iPad perfect for watching HD movies, TV shows, podcasts, music videos, and more.

YouTube

With the YouTube app designed specifically for iPad, videos are even easier to find. And on the amazing iPad display, they’re more fun to watch. Especially in HD.

iPod

Reach out and touch your songs. View your album art full-size. iPad makes music look as good as it sounds.

iTunes

Millions of songs, thousands of movies and TV shows, and so much more. Browsing and buying are just a tap away.

App Store

You’ll find more than 200,000 apps on the App Store, and iPad can run almost all of them. Including everything from games to productivity apps.

iBooks

Reading is a joy on iPad. Text looks crisp and bright. Pages turn with a flick. And you can buy new books from the iBookstore. Just download the free iBooks app to get started.¹

Maps

See more of the world with iPad. Find locations easier than ever with street view, satellite view, or new terrain view — all using Google services.

STOP!!!

Stop right there. I am so done with this silly little comparison game we’re playing! I get it. I do. I see why my hubs loves you so much and just can. not. get. enough of you.

I am perfectly fine with this…afterall, I am a reasonable adult and jealousy is not becoming and blah blah blah. We are both lovely and wonderful in our own ways!

No hard feelings.

I may need counseling for this. I’m guessing there’s an App for that too?

P.S. Apple – if you happen to arrive at my page. I want you to hire my husband. He actually is totally in love with you and would be the best-est, most amazing employee! If you have any openings and would like to speak with him – shoot me an email K? I promise he is not nearly as weird as me. Thanks.

Image Credits:

http://www.apple.com/

http://egolpio.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/stop_sign.png